cellar_closet (cellar_closet) wrote,

  • Mood:

East Coast girl, there's no place for you here.

I've been very pensive lately. Quiet, laying low, taking a step outside of myself and just thinking about things. I've felt a bit like a round peg in a square hole for a while, and I know it's because this is the longest I've ever gone in my life without a job. Well, since I was old enough to work, which was 14 in Maryland. I'm not unhappy. It's frustrating when you can't quite label what you are, or how you're feeling. It's not unhappiness. I AM happy. I'm lucky in numerous ways. I've found someone that makes me deliriously happy. He's the person I've wanted for years, and he's mine. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a family that loves me, and despite my health problems, I'm healthy. I have artistic talent that some people would love to have, and as hard on myself as I am, I'm not horrible on the eyes. (Yeah, that was hard to type.) :P So it feels extremely wrong and it doesn't fit to call myself unhappy. I haven't found my place here, yet. That's the problem. I don't fit anywhere. As much as I loathe people sometimes, I'm a social creature. I love going out and being around people. Without the means to do that, I'm left alone unless I want to depend on someone else, and that's been a really hard thing to do for me. I know that finding a job, or going back to school will help rid 99% of the space-cadet feeling I've been plagued with for a year, now. Even if it's a crappy job, even if class is boring, I'll be around people, I'll be out in the world again, and I'll become a square peg once more. The 1% would be finding the perfect dream job, but I'm less concerned with that, that will come with time. I have to take one step at a time, and step number one is rejoining the living. Plus, B would be happy to have the house to himself for a few hours a day to run around naked, do interpretive dance, ya know... Whatever he wants. ;)

Moving here, and the events leading up to moving here have been some of the hardest things I've ever been through. It was naive of me to think it would be so easy. They were all the right decisions, I still stand firm on that, I just never expected it to be so hard. I'm lucky to have B by my side, as much as I drive him crazy with all of this sometimes. He does what he can to make it easier on me, and he knows being so far away from my family has taken its toll.

Even after writing this post I feel a little better knowing the reason I've felt so 'blah' is because I've felt disconnected from the world at large. I can't remember the last time I've just hung out on the couch because I'm tired, and because there's no where else I'd rather be, and nothing else I'd rather do but make like broccoli for a while. I miss the feeling of having a full, tiring day, and I can't wait to get back out there so I can come home and bitch to B about how stupid people are. :P As hard as it's been, I feel like I'm almost there, and I feel good about things tonight.
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