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[26 Jul 2009|01:07am]
I haven't updated this in a while. I think I'm losing interest in putting my life up on the internet. I've been jotting things down in my art journal more. Things have been happening, some good, some really, really not good. That's life I suppose. Always changing, always knocking you on your ass when you least expect it, and sometimes even when you do.

It was a good run, LJ. I might stop by to grumble something here and there, but for the most part, I think I've outgrown this.
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[23 Jun 2009|06:18pm]
Hooray for awesome news across the board. I'll post more about it later, but basically, I'm fine, and my mom's fine. :)
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[20 Jun 2009|11:26pm]
It's been a rough couple of weeks, this week being the hardest. I'm just posting so that I can document things for later on, just so I can remember dates and things like that.

We lost Bonsai on Wednesday. We took him in around 8:30 in the morning, and we were told to call after 12, because all the surgery was done before then. "No news is good news." So when noon hit, we let ourselves believe that everything had gone well. Maybe a minute or two later I got a call from the vet, and I knew instantly from the sound of her voice that things weren't good. She told me that the tumor had spread through most of his small intestine, and into his lymph nodes. "There's nothing we can do." So Byron and I went up there and stayed with him while she put him to sleep. It was hard to see him on that table, he looked so tiny. We talked to him, and stroked his favorite spots, his ears, cheeks, chest, jaw. I hope he knew we were there. I think he did. He died quickly without as much as a twitch. We went home and waited for Pop to get off of work, and when he walked in, he broke down. We're all going to miss the little goober. It's weird, you're in shock for a bit, but at the same time you accept it, and you let him go. You go home and rest, and think about how he's not in pain anymore, how he's happy and free now. But then you start to look for him, or you think you see him out of the corner of your eye. You see a toy he played with lying on the floor, like it's waiting for him to come back and play with it. So in that moment, you start all over again as if you had completely forgotten that he's gone. I think those moments are harder than the initial shock. I don't know that it'll get any easier, but I think it'll evolve, like pain always does, into something softer that's a little easier to look at.

My mom went to get her ultrasound done last week. Initially, it was to see what her gallbladder was up to, because she's been in pain with a low-grade fever for a few weeks now. They didn't see anything wrong with her gallbladder, and instead found a mass on her pancreas. The doctor says it could be cancer, but he doesn't know yet, so they sent her for a CT scan on Friday. We'll know what it is on Monday, and if it IS something bad, the scan will tell us if it's spread anywhere else. She told me not to worry until there's something to worry about, and I'm trying. She's my mom, so I do worry. At this point I'm more anxious than worried, but it's borderline, heh. I always knew that the possibility of losing my parents someday was there, most people get to a certain age, and it's common to hear them say "I wish you could have known my parents." I'm not that old, though, and neither are they. I didn't think I'd have to think about things like that so soon, or maybe ever. Even though the possibility was there, it never felt real, just something in the far distance that I didn't need to acknowledge. I know my mom will be just fine, even if this turns out to be something we don't want it to be. She's a tough lady, and the word cancer doesn't automatically mean sudden DOOM anymore. It's just scary to think about. I'll know more Monday.

My bloodwork results will be in on Monday, too, but I'm not that concerned about those anymore. Whatever comes of it, I'll deal with.

I started my job today, and so far I really like it. It's easy, and the knowledge that I'll have money soon is awesome. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted in that department, and I'm closer to getting my independence back. So that's really good news in the middle of all the crap right now.
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[13 Jun 2009|12:36am]
Today was a bad day, but everything's going to be fine. What other option is there?
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[11 Jun 2009|05:53pm]
So, here's what's up.

-Cut some bangs into my head. They turned out okay, I think.

-Sewing some more creatures for Byron.

-Waiting to get the contract for the job I just got, should be this week or next.

-We took Bonsai back to the vet yesterday, looks like his surgery is going to be the beginning of next week, we have him on one more course of antibiotics to ready him for it. We were really hoping that surgery wasn't going to be necessary so soon, but it's his best chance.

-My step-dad got fired from his job today. Long, annoying, ridiculous story behind that one.

-My mom is almost completely certain she'll need to have her gallbladder taken out soon, she's in pain, ultrasound tomorrow to see what's going on in there.

-I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out wtf is going on with me.

-Byron might be finally moving to day shift in the next few months (hoping hoping hoping).

-Going to be mailing out my college app and other related things tomorrow.

-Slowly taking over the world one - at a time.

So, some good things, some okay things, and some bad things. Hopefully the ratio will shift soon.
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[10 Jun 2009|06:35pm]
I finally found a job!! *bounces around* I'm so excited. It's work from home, 10 bucks an hour, not too shabby. I start next month and I can't wait. This is a huge weight off of my (and B's) shoulders. Whew.

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[09 Jun 2009|12:19pm]
Last night I dreamed that all of my aunts were crying and kissing me, telling me that my life would be great and I'll get everything sorted out. After they were done, I realized they had been kissing me goodbye, and that I was going to die. Wtf? Is my brain trying to kill me? What an upsetting, creepy dream. If I thought I would be any good with a melon-baller, I'd go to town. Which part of the brain do aunts live in?
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[07 Jun 2009|12:32am]
I have the sudden urge to cut some thick bangs into my hair. Must resist.
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[06 Jun 2009|04:22pm]
Right now I'm sitting at the TKD school watching Byron, Alan and Pat work on their Jiu-Jistsu. The beauty of laptops. They don't have internet here, so I'll have to wait until I get home to actually post this. There was a forth guy here, but he had to leave early because of his kids. He's pretty obnoxious, so honestly I wasn't that sorry to see him leave. Heh.

I've only gotten about 4 hours of sleep. Everything feels fuzzy and way too far above my head. If I sleep when we get home, I'll probably have trouble sleeping again tonight, but that's something I'm willing to risk. I haven't gotten nearly enough sleep in the last month or so and I'm still not sure what's causing it. It's probably the constant underlining need to have something else here. It's gets a little harder with every company that doesn't call me back with a job. The more that happens, the more I believe that the only way I'm going to make my own money is to get serious about my art, and set something up online to sell it. I need more confidence in my talent. Rationally, I know that people would pay money for it. I've had a lifetime worth of feeling I'm not that great, so getting over that in a matter of months is a challenge to say the least. I'm getting there. With every piece I do I get better, and it shows in the final product. Part of my problem is I have a tendency to ride on the coattails of other's work to find my own style. There's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with using a reference when you work, but at some point you have to stand on your own two feet and pull inspiration from yourself, too. I'm trying, I'm getting there.

Sometimes getting out and being with a girlfriend is an awesome way to center yourself. Trouble is, I don't really have someone like that here. Jenai had called a few weeks ago to get together, but I was having trouble with my leg and didn't feel up to going out. From her tone and the way she talked after I told her that, I think she felt slighted. It's silly, but it is what it is. I haven't heard from her since. I wish my sister lived here. I always have the best time with her, laughing pretty much the whole time. We talk on webcam at least a few times a week and it makes me feel closer to her, but it's not quite the same thing. For now, I'll take what I can get, and eventually I'll have chicks here to hang out with. Byron and I go out with friends pretty regularly, and they're great people, so I'm lucky for that.

This entry makes me sound sad, but I'm not. I'm pensive, I'm impatient. I need something big to change. I feel like I'm a really strong river, and I'm backed up against a concrete wall. I want to completely break through it, break it into a million pieces and get past it. I take comfort in knowing that every day I'm making tiny cracks in it. Chipping away at it. Every day is different, even if it feels the same. Some days I wake up and think "I have more problems today than I did yesterday." Other days I wake up and think "Today I feel better than I have in a while." Some days I wake up with a plan, other days I wing it until I go to sleep. Something is always different, even if it feels the same. I need to focus more on that and keep moving forward until I can finally break through that wall.
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[04 May 2009|09:36pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Today was really rough. One of those days that leaves you feeling beaten up and broken.

Our cat, Bonsai hasn't been well lately. For about a month, he's been throwing up and generally having a hard time keeping anything down. Because of this, he's lost a lot of weight. He's been eating and drinking just fine, but since he can't keep it in his system, that hasn't helped him much. He's been hiding out a lot more, and hasn't been as lively as he usually is. Basically, something's wrong.

Today we took him into the local clinic to have him looked at, and the answer was one of the last things we wanted to hear. As the vet was trying to get urine from him, she felt a huge tumor in abdomen. She did an x-ray to see what was going on with it, and it's... well, huge. He's so small, and the thing is almost completely filling up his abdominal cavity. She says that the majority of the time, these tumors in cats are cancerous. In order to to find out more, they need to do surgery. That way, that can find out what the tumor is attached to, and they can remove it. The best we can hope for is that the tumor is attached to the spleen. They can then take the tumor, and the spleen out which will give him a pretty decent prognosis. The second guess, is that is may be attached to the intestines, which is not good, but sometimes operable. It would be trickier than the spleen, but still doesn't automatically mean they can't remove it safely. If, when they get in and find that it's too complex, and too dangerous to remove, then there isn't anything they can do. We would have the choice of either having them close him up, letting him heal to live out the remainder of his days, or we could just let him go while he's under on the operating table. For us, it was a hard question with an easy answer, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. We wouldn't put him through the pain of the surgery and the slow healing only so he can continue to lose weight, become weaker, and possibly be in pain.

Right now, it's easier for me to state the facts than go into how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking about it all. I'm trying to stay positive and not think about the possibilities that lie ahead, but I do anyway. I can't think about how much I love him, and how much I enjoy him being around, and how much I'll miss him, and how I'll look for him to come and nudge my leg when I'm on the computer even when he won't be there to do it. I can't think about that being possible right now. I know he'll be okay, but frankly, I'm scared for him.

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[30 Apr 2009|05:19pm]
I really don't understand people, sometimes. I'm coming close to the end of my rope, I think. I've been extremely patient, more patient than I should have been. Sick of it.
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East Coast girl, there's no place for you here. [24 Apr 2009|08:30pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

I've been very pensive lately. Quiet, laying low, taking a step outside of myself and just thinking about things. I've felt a bit like a round peg in a square hole for a while, and I know it's because this is the longest I've ever gone in my life without a job. Well, since I was old enough to work, which was 14 in Maryland. I'm not unhappy. It's frustrating when you can't quite label what you are, or how you're feeling. It's not unhappiness. I AM happy. I'm lucky in numerous ways. I've found someone that makes me deliriously happy. He's the person I've wanted for years, and he's mine. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a family that loves me, and despite my health problems, I'm healthy. I have artistic talent that some people would love to have, and as hard on myself as I am, I'm not horrible on the eyes. (Yeah, that was hard to type.) :P So it feels extremely wrong and it doesn't fit to call myself unhappy. I haven't found my place here, yet. That's the problem. I don't fit anywhere. As much as I loathe people sometimes, I'm a social creature. I love going out and being around people. Without the means to do that, I'm left alone unless I want to depend on someone else, and that's been a really hard thing to do for me. I know that finding a job, or going back to school will help rid 99% of the space-cadet feeling I've been plagued with for a year, now. Even if it's a crappy job, even if class is boring, I'll be around people, I'll be out in the world again, and I'll become a square peg once more. The 1% would be finding the perfect dream job, but I'm less concerned with that, that will come with time. I have to take one step at a time, and step number one is rejoining the living. Plus, B would be happy to have the house to himself for a few hours a day to run around naked, do interpretive dance, ya know... Whatever he wants. ;)

Moving here, and the events leading up to moving here have been some of the hardest things I've ever been through. It was naive of me to think it would be so easy. They were all the right decisions, I still stand firm on that, I just never expected it to be so hard. I'm lucky to have B by my side, as much as I drive him crazy with all of this sometimes. He does what he can to make it easier on me, and he knows being so far away from my family has taken its toll.

Even after writing this post I feel a little better knowing the reason I've felt so 'blah' is because I've felt disconnected from the world at large. I can't remember the last time I've just hung out on the couch because I'm tired, and because there's no where else I'd rather be, and nothing else I'd rather do but make like broccoli for a while. I miss the feeling of having a full, tiring day, and I can't wait to get back out there so I can come home and bitch to B about how stupid people are. :P As hard as it's been, I feel like I'm almost there, and I feel good about things tonight.

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[19 Apr 2009|11:22pm]
GOO. I have like 50 bazillion-trillion pics on here to tag, and that's with a shit load already off-loaded onto discs. That's what I get for right clicking everything I see. :/ Off to type furiously.
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[18 Apr 2009|04:24pm]
Sometimes someone tells you so many secrets you feel like you should be ten pounds heavier. Don't worry, I'll guard them carefully.

I've been keeping busy lately. Drawing, cleaning, organizing, completely emptying closets, throwing things away, and filling them back up again. I was able to go back to TKD on Thursday, and it felt awesome. I had missed sparring so much, and ironically we ended up sparring for 80% of class. It was great. There's a new white belt in our class, Amber. She seems to be in middle school, maybe 13 or so, but I'm not entirely sure. Tiny little timid thing. I was sparring with her on Thursday, and I could tell she was feeling really lost and overwhelmed. You're technically not supposed/required to spar until you're green belt, so as a white belt, sparring can seem really scary. I wasn't allowed to make contact, and was just going through some of the motions with her. I helped as much as I could, but with someone who's painfully shy, it's hard to hear what someone is saying when you're totally mortified about what you're doing. I was proud of her, I think once she comes out of her shell a little, she's going to be really good. There's another girl in our class, Madeline. She's only 10, and a HUGE tom boy. Demitra decided to let her take some adult classes because she exhibited enough control and skill. She's a tough little chick. I think she has a little crush on B, which is incredibly cute. She's always running up behind him and bopping him on the head, and she's all giggly around him. She's really good at TKD for a 10 year old, she's a recommended black belt. I'm so glad I can take class again, I really missed it.

In other news, I'm applying to the local community college. I'm going to go a head and get my nursing degree if I can. I'd love to be a tattoo artist, and I'm sure I will, but until I have a car, I can't keep waiting. An apprenticeship isn't going to fall into my lap and I have to be realistic. So for now, on the back burner it goes. At the rate I'm finding a job, I should be able to get my nursing degree, work for a few years, become a Nurse Practitioner and open my own practice before someone calls me back about the jobs I've already applied for. :P I can't keep sitting on my ass and living this way, because frankly, I'm going batshit. If I go to school, I'll at least have purpose again. So I'm pretty excited about it.
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[12 Apr 2009|12:16pm]
Sammy is a snail.

He lives on our bathroom wall.

Sometimes when I wash,

I'll splash,

He'll fall off.

And climb up the wall once more.

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[05 Apr 2009|10:42pm]
K. I have officially eaten too many oranges, and drank too much water. I will now go lay down and try not to throw up. That is all.
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[01 Apr 2009|06:16am]
Why am I awake right now? I dunno, why the hell are YOU awake right now? :P
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[27 Mar 2009|08:21pm]
So, the past few days have been interesting. Wednesday night B and I went to the gym and did our usual workout. My back was hurting for some reason while I was in the middle of squats, and it continued to hurt throughout the workout. It wasn't like OMG GOTTA STOP NOW pain, just achy and generally annoying, so I was able to finish the workout. That day I had woken up with a stiff neck, a tight back and shoulder on the right side. So last night, B and I go to Taekwondo. It was a really good class, a slightly heavy warm-up with cardio, crunches and push-ups, followed by drills and then 15 minutes of sparring which can be pretty physically demanding. After class I noticed that my right arm was tingly and had the whole pins and needles thing going on. Nothing too extreme, just enough to make me double check the coloring and size of my arm. Other stuff happened after class but I'll get to that in a minute. Fast forward to today, and the tingly stuff was still persisting, and it was starting to turn into slight numbness. It's just below my elbow, and only my forearm seems to be affected. So of course I started to worry and thoughts of my blood clot recurring were racing through my mind. Not cool. I went and woke B up (I still feel horrible for depriving him of some much-needed sleep) and started crying. Heh. What a girl. We talked it over and went over the possibilities and odds that it might be the blood clot, we batted around the idea of going to the ER. I did NOT want to go unless I absolutely had to, the last time I was in the hospital for a blood clot it ended up being a two week long thing with lots of waiting and poking and the ICU and baths and ugh. I SO do not want to go through that again. But of course, if I have to, I will. So we decided since my neck and back have been fucked up, coupled with TKD, push-ups and everything else, chances are I pinched a nerve or something similar. Pop went out and got me some aspirin just in case, so I took two of those to thin my blood a bit, and we'll see. I'm waiting it out for now. It seems to ease up a bit when I massage certain parts of my neck, upper back and shoulder, so it's probably just a nerve. Plus, there isn't any discoloration, swelling or loss of heat in my arm. Before, my arm was blue, huge, and chilly. I'm just sick of worrying about shit like this whenever there any sort of abnormalities on my right side. Stupid health.

So another thing that happened, is that the two owners of the TKD school asked B and I if we'd be interested in teaching some classes here and there. It made me feel really good to know that they consider me more advanced than my belt level, and that they have the confidence to let me instruct others. I don't know if I'll do it or not, just because they have the confidence in my TKD skillz, doesn't mean I do just yet. I know I'm good, but I would be afraid to teach someone the wrong thing. B on the other hand would make an awesome instructor. He has the personality to tell people what to do and how to do it with authority, and he's better than I am at TKD. So that was really awesome. Made me feel really good. So now I'm off to draw and to not worry about what my arm's doing. Yeah.
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[21 Mar 2009|12:14am]
I was watching Jade run around in the back yard tonight, and I noticed that all the Buttercups were closed up for the evening with their pedals turned tightly upward. They always remind me of the vendors in busy cities, their carts always seem like they're transformers, going from a table filled with merchandise and hanging things to a locked up cabinet with wheels. Even flowers protect themselves from the night.

It's really strange and unsettling when something comes up, and emotions you didn't want to acknowledge smash you in the face. They don't sting as much as you think they should, and there's something soothing about them being out in the open. Some situations become far more convoluted than they should. People let things go for too long. Does that mean that the solution is gone? Is it like letting go of something in space and watching it float away until there isn't any possible way you could reach it again? Or is it like putting it on a high shelf, reachable, but only thought about on special occasions as it gathers dust? I'm not too sure which one it is, or if it's even my responsibility to find out. So more than likely, I'll go on without thinking about it too much, only on special occasions.

I've been getting back into my art lately, and it feels good. I love sewing the little creatures I do, but there's something about using paint and pencil that feels hardwired, and right. I think it might keep me centered when other things are so out of whack. I've been working on something for B, and another mixed medium piece that isn't really for anyone. It's just because. I still have to get my website up and running so I can make some money. The Job Hunt of Doom isn't coming up with anything. I've never had this much trouble finding a job in my life. I'm starting to think this whole economy business I keep hearing about might be true.

I think these past few years have made me a lot stronger. I've always been strong, but I've learned a lot about myself, and people, and life that I've never looked at too closely before. Some of it was hard to see, but I always deal with it. Maybe I don't always deal with it in the same way someone else would, but I always face it, and I always deal with it. It's made me stronger, and happier, and a more well-rounded person. I'm proud of my character, even if I break myself down from time to time. I'm not sure that I've ever been that before now.
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[10 Mar 2009|11:45pm]
I think sometimes when I try to help people, my advice comes off sounding harsher than I'd like it to. I wonder what that says about me, if anything at all.
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